im done now

i know im getting a ticket now.  i cracked and i couldnt help it

i asked her to meet me after work and when she didnt i cracked and basically sent her a letter via email just asking her for a chance asking her for anything anything at all  and it was long and poured alot of emotion out and i almost bet money shes going to the cops with it ... so another ticket in the mail.  i cant help it she was my best friend and soo much shit has gone on that i just couldnt handle it anymore  she knows soo much and im so comfortable talking to her and i needed someone to talk to and when i didnt have that i tried to get something to fix that ..... i need to fix the friendship soo bad i feel im about to go off the handle i really am i just dont know what to do anymore im screwed just screwed
i just need to fix this or else im afraid im going to do something bad

Blah

Guess I should write in here even though it does no good. So I guess I might of blew my one chance at getting my best friend back..... I don't see how but apparently asking her to give me the same date to talk as she was giving everyone else was a bad thing. Now I don't know what to do. I seriously have this urge to just run away from everything and never look back. I have been thinking of quitting school just because I know I can't concentrate and it's going to be a bad quarter. I just signed my new lease on an apt butnthat doesn't even give me the slightest relief. So much going on right now and none of it is good. I don't sleep indent eat and when I do sleep all ingot is weird dreams, some of them scary, and the all center around one person. I don't understand why I can want her friendship solo bad when she really appears to want nothing to do with me. I'm hoping she will reconsider her date that she told everyone and try to contact me on the 22nd. But we will see. I just don't know what to do. So many things are going on right now and normally I would talk to her but I can't.... I'm just so sad it's affecting everything. I just don't know what to do. I can't contact her and I want to zoo bad. Now she's gone as far as blocking me on Facebook and I didn't even do anything. I have contacted her once in two weeks and that was just to ask her to give me a date she's been giving others.... I don't know if she was jerking my chain about that or not but I guess I really really hope she can reconsider that and talk to me at that time..... I don't really know what else to say right now but I know I need to talk to her sooner than later

i guess im not sure what to say ..... i heard that she set a date to talk to me but she wont tell me that herself .. i think she still cares for me as a friend but now im not too sure.  i was stopped on the side of the road and she drove right past without blinking an eye... no stopping no sending me a message to make sure i was ok  no thought what so ever ... so now im beginning to wonder ........ she wont check to make sure im ok .... she wont talk to me ..... etc   wtf  thats all i can say when does it end? i am trying my best but i am severly worrried about her ..... i hear shes getting alot of headaches and stuff and i just wanna be there for her

today

well what can i tell you about today.... today has been a real rough day ... i dont know if im gonna make my orignal mark  and i dont kno if its going to even matter ... i might just get in trouble for it anyways,  so why wait right?
im so close to just sending her a message and letting the cards fall as they may ... even my bike ride didnt work today because for some reason i really wanted a rider  and she is the onely one i wanted or could think of to put on the back of my bike
" i would like to talk to you when your ready but i would also like to know when that will be? i am willing to try my best to wait till then but its hard without knowing when then is"

if i had the chance to say something thats what i wanted to say ... i almost sent it to her anyways ... its so hard not to have any contact with her
i just wish i could get a timeframe it would make things so much easier  she doesnt understand how hard the last three weeks have been and its soo much harder now .... all i want is a chance to start anew  a chance to make things right ...

more

well its not like i can do anything i wish i could.  im so depressed that i cant even think straight .  i finally almost got a ticket because i asked a friend who talks to her if i could send one message through her... onetime  and she told that person if i did i would get a ticket ... she wont even entertain one thing from me ....... i still dont know what was THAT bad to warrant all this .. ya i went to her house...ok i have apologized and explain that sooo many times.  ok so she thinks i followed her .. the moment i found out about that i texted her and told her that i wasnt  but i guess even though i have treid till i was blue in the face to explain everything i have or have not done and get her to understand she doesnt listen to what i say ... she cant even acknowledge that im talking to her .... hell if i was broke down on the side of the road she would prolly laugh at me as she drove by ... i mean seriously>>>>>   i keep asking myself what would she think if i was in an accident and hurt ... would she regret not talking to me or would she throw a party ( and no im not going to get in an accident) but the things she has been doing  makes me wonder .... all i want is friendship to have her to talk to.... i cant believe thats soo hard to be.... i just cant stand this..............

new

so the newest devolpment is this  i got a phone call from the cops today and yes i really should head there warning  but i let everything go in my life for soo long i just feel this friendship is worth fighting for .... i will give her her space  which i was always willing to do if she would of just told me but .... but i wont give up i hope some day she will find it in her heart to forgive me and give me a fighting chance......

and i dont know if that person reads it  but the sherriff did tell me you are the only one that can initiate contact ... so i hope you find it in your heart to do that sometime ... i dont wanna lose my friend forever

the ultimate killer

just waiting for her to stop and see me for five minutes  and i though maybe just maybe she would but no she drives right by me talk about just sitting there and crushing me ... all i want is friendship and she wont give me anything ... but to drive by me like that and not stop  thats cruel as can be. if i was stranded on the road i bet you money she wouldnt even stop .... and thats just wow.... i dont know what i did to deserve that but i would love to know what i did to deserve something that mean and cruel and hurtful........if she would just say anything to me i might know  and i might be able to fix this  but in order to fix it it takes both of us..... and i cant believe she would be that cruel to do that thats a crushing noone deserves..... NOOONE    thats just a bunch of bullshit and i dont know how to say it nicely but its being a bitch ( and i dont use that word often)  and no im not calling her one  although shes acting close to it

questions left unanswered:
why she wont be friends or try
why she will talk to my friends and not me to answer my questions
why she is going out of her way to hurt me
why she will say one thing then turn 180 and do the opposite
what have i done to deserve this
if you want time then why not say that and tell me .....
i can add to this forever but the bottom line is she wont talk to me to even answer these