so its been awhile since i posted on here but i tried to get her to meet me somewhere just to talk and she wouldnt  a friend sent her a messsage and she replied to that so i know how mom is ok  and i also dont understand why she wont even say a word to me ... i mean what did i do that was so terrible... she broke up with me for another man  not the other way around ... she was just everything i had and although its getting easier  i still want the friendship....

i just dont know what i did but it really eats me up inside  all i have been asking is for her to say something to me ... anything .... why is that so hard ... i just dont understand ....

i sent her another chance to come see me after work for 5 minutes i hope she does it

wow

my title says it all ... yes i said i would wait but i couldnt no knowing what was going on was tearing my up inside.  so i called this morning, got her vm told her i would call back in 10 minutes, and got her vm again   i know that she knows this number and stuff and doesnt want to answer it but damn she could just of answered the questions for me .  sent her another email just asking her and i doubt she will respond but its the best i can do .... i cannot believe she wont even say a word to me .. it makes me think what would happen if i ran into her somewhere what would happen .... i mean come on all i asked her was how her mom was doing.  PERIOD.  fucking christ excuse me for giving a flying fuck.  i guess now im turned into the pissed off asshole and this is prolly not going to be good>  im just really pissed that she wont say a fucking word to me and it has nothing to do with her>>>>>>>>>>> yes i do still love her and prolly always will   but i would like to have a chance to be friends with her and thats all im looking for atm


wow nothing seriously WTF im beyond aggitated im getting pissed over this ... how bullshit and cruel do you have to be when someone is concerned for you family member that you cant even acknowledge that they are ok ... i didnt ask for anythign else just that WTF  omg right now my thoughts are GROW THE FUCK UP
i really dont know what else to say at this point but man im trying here ... im working on being totally civilized and just friends but she wont have the decency to answer me about something like this

wow she is totally alienating me and i dont know why .... i dont understand why she is so willing to go out of her way to completely ignore me ... if i could i would make sure i show up somewhere where i know she is to make her answer that question for me.  i know i should just give it up entirely but hell i didnt do anything wrong to deserve this and although she is doing it i dont trule believe its what she wants   and if it is then i would love to here her explain it and why to me?

7-27

this morning was a bad monring .. i woke up with tears and a little dsisoreinted... i was having a wierd dream ... i guess you could say it was a bad dream but in a way it wasnt ... i wont go into details of the dream but i woke up and tried to grab on to someone but soon realized that she was not there ... and hasnt been there for a while.  i had to fight myself hard this morning not to message her and im still fighting it ... i just want to be able to talk to her  and i still dont understand why that is so hard for her to understand  and if she does understand that why she would continue doing this to me ....i just dont understand it .... i will be sending her a email on sunday or saturday to see how her mom is and i might ask her in there if shes decided she wants to talk to me yet

my thoughts

7-26
i found out today that her mom has to have surgery again so i sent her a text to see if she was ok ---no reply--- er mom has breast cancer so i am concerned for both her and her mom.  i know we have had a real rocky 3 weeks but i cannot believe how she is actin now, its so unfair  i just dont know what she is thinking or what her reasoning behind all this is she has gone out of her way to hurt me and make my life hell just to push me away  i dont know if by chance she feels she needs to push me out of her life to be happy with him but if that is the case she cant truly be happy with him.

some more thoughts this afternoon.  i accidently texted her my good news about ful time employment  but never got an answer .. it was accidental i just picked alot of ppl to text it to ...i dont want to remove her from my phone in hopes that she will start to contact me but i wish she would it would make me feel at least a little better.  i guess writing this has eased my pains a little bit but i still miss my best friend more than anything ... i just wish she would get over whatever shes on and realize that friendship is important.for the longest time my life was her ... and i know its not now but i would still like her to be a part of it.  one day maybe she will read this and understand  and maybe not .. right now i dont know if she is ever going to talk to me ... on sunday i think i might send her an email asking her again   but i wont do anything about it until then i dont really have alot to say but i do worry for her and care about her ... and im worried about her mom and the surgery... i hope its nothign major and i hope it all goes well

my blog

mattghost2000.blogspot.com
tasha
this blog will be all my thoughts and feelings and things i want to say to her
july 25
i told her for a week i wanted to know if she never wanted to talk to me again or if i could start to get my best friend back ... well never got an answer from her  so i called her this morning and left a message ... still no response  so today starts day 1 of not trying to talk to her
i dont know how this is going to work yet but the last few days of answering questions really gets me down
she was my best friend as well as the person i thought i would spend the rest of my life with. and now she wants nothing ( no contact) with me ... its really hard to imagine... everytime i need to talk shes not around.. good or bad. 

so many things i could say on here about her ( both good and bad)  but it seems like she pushed everyone away for vinnie ... i do wish her the best but at the same time i do wish she truly understands what she has lost .... and although i wish she would come back .. i dont think it will happen.  i want me friend back  but i also want my girlfriend back... but i would settle with a friend...  im so afraid for her she has cut almost all her friends off for him...... and im completely cut off and she has compared me to a stalker ... WTF excuse me for caring .. and if she would answer things sometimes it might not seem so severe but i cant get her to say a word ... not even an answer to a simple questions  it frustrates me soo much and im torn on what to do .... i wanna just go see her and take what punishment i might get  but i know i cant do that ... one of the things that hurt me the most is i sent her flowers trying to apologize and she made a comment that she couldnt even look at them ... wow i guess i thought 2 1/2 years meant alot more than it did but she has treated me like total horseshit for so long now... and besides that i still love her and want to talk to her so bad ... i just know i cant. so instead of texting her because for whatever reason she wont talk to me i will try to keep what i want to say in here ..... maybe one day she will understand how much i truly care for her ... and i know deep down she still cares and loves me  but shes really got a weird way of showing it ....  i just dont know im hoping she will come to her senses and realize that before she totally ruins it ..... i do love her and as bad as it hurts i will try to give her time but damn longer she doesnt talk to me in my opinion the more it hurts anything  soon i will prolly post my thoughts about this whole idea but im not sure if i want to dredge that up  i dont know what all to say in this blog yet  but im sure i will come up with thoughts as the days.... go by....
i put up our pictures from copper falls to facebook and sent tasha a message telling her ..  doubt she cares but ..u know  those pictures where hard because of the ones of us in them .... i still dont eat ... 260 approx calories a day and i really dont sleep alot it seems like all i think about is her ... i am losing weight though  ( 233) and im hoping to start quitting smoking soon.... but i gotta get over this in order to cut down because i have jumped about a half a pack a day from when i was with her.... i just wish she would realize that i care and i want to be friends with her .... i just dont think she realizes this and i honeslty wonder if she really truly cares.  i still believe she pushed me away so she didnt have to have me in her thoughts because she wasnt sure who to be with ... and i guess in a way i helped her with that alot im at school in class right now writing this so that tells you how much i think about her still.....
anytime i feel like texting her i am prolly going to write in here i just wish she would say something to me .. the ignoring me is really killing me ... she talks about not wanting to hurt me but hell shes hurting me more doing this that anything in the world its sad that i dont miss the sex or anything like that i miss the friendship the hanging out the kissing and the cuddling ... i miss her laying next to me at night and it kills me to think of her laying next to and fucking him ok i think thats it for the day i dont wanna sound mean