my blog

mattghost2000.blogspot.com
tasha
this blog will be all my thoughts and feelings and things i want to say to her
july 25
i told her for a week i wanted to know if she never wanted to talk to me again or if i could start to get my best friend back ... well never got an answer from her  so i called her this morning and left a message ... still no response  so today starts day 1 of not trying to talk to her
i dont know how this is going to work yet but the last few days of answering questions really gets me down
she was my best friend as well as the person i thought i would spend the rest of my life with. and now she wants nothing ( no contact) with me ... its really hard to imagine... everytime i need to talk shes not around.. good or bad. 

so many things i could say on here about her ( both good and bad)  but it seems like she pushed everyone away for vinnie ... i do wish her the best but at the same time i do wish she truly understands what she has lost .... and although i wish she would come back .. i dont think it will happen.  i want me friend back  but i also want my girlfriend back... but i would settle with a friend...  im so afraid for her she has cut almost all her friends off for him...... and im completely cut off and she has compared me to a stalker ... WTF excuse me for caring .. and if she would answer things sometimes it might not seem so severe but i cant get her to say a word ... not even an answer to a simple questions  it frustrates me soo much and im torn on what to do .... i wanna just go see her and take what punishment i might get  but i know i cant do that ... one of the things that hurt me the most is i sent her flowers trying to apologize and she made a comment that she couldnt even look at them ... wow i guess i thought 2 1/2 years meant alot more than it did but she has treated me like total horseshit for so long now... and besides that i still love her and want to talk to her so bad ... i just know i cant. so instead of texting her because for whatever reason she wont talk to me i will try to keep what i want to say in here ..... maybe one day she will understand how much i truly care for her ... and i know deep down she still cares and loves me  but shes really got a weird way of showing it ....  i just dont know im hoping she will come to her senses and realize that before she totally ruins it ..... i do love her and as bad as it hurts i will try to give her time but damn longer she doesnt talk to me in my opinion the more it hurts anything  soon i will prolly post my thoughts about this whole idea but im not sure if i want to dredge that up  i dont know what all to say in this blog yet  but im sure i will come up with thoughts as the days.... go by....
i put up our pictures from copper falls to facebook and sent tasha a message telling her ..  doubt she cares but ..u know  those pictures where hard because of the ones of us in them .... i still dont eat ... 260 approx calories a day and i really dont sleep alot it seems like all i think about is her ... i am losing weight though  ( 233) and im hoping to start quitting smoking soon.... but i gotta get over this in order to cut down because i have jumped about a half a pack a day from when i was with her.... i just wish she would realize that i care and i want to be friends with her .... i just dont think she realizes this and i honeslty wonder if she really truly cares.  i still believe she pushed me away so she didnt have to have me in her thoughts because she wasnt sure who to be with ... and i guess in a way i helped her with that alot im at school in class right now writing this so that tells you how much i think about her still.....
anytime i feel like texting her i am prolly going to write in here i just wish she would say something to me .. the ignoring me is really killing me ... she talks about not wanting to hurt me but hell shes hurting me more doing this that anything in the world its sad that i dont miss the sex or anything like that i miss the friendship the hanging out the kissing and the cuddling ... i miss her laying next to me at night and it kills me to think of her laying next to and fucking him ok i think thats it for the day i dont wanna sound mean