Fuck life

People really do suck. I asked one question of you and you called the cops. Then all my ppl I thought might be friends are only there when it benefits them. Fuck everyone everyone can kiss my ass .... I'm so sick of ppl using me to there benefit that I'm just gonna do me. Go to school and go home. And hopefully work soon. But it's getting harder and harder when the bitch has cost me two jobs now.... How many more.......I hope she drives off into a fuckin ditch and dies right about now. As well as everyone else that I thought was a friend and who isn't there when I need them

We will see what happens once I have a few drinks and celebrate this fucked up year... And drive my ass home in the freezing rain. Maybe I will crash and die and make everyone happy

You know who this is for

Wow..... Just wow. I ask about a tv that's not fucking mine. And wish someone a merry Xmas. And then ask for a possibility of a fresh start. Slowly. And I get a phone call from the cops. I had to call your parents to find out about the tv. You couldn't of told me????? Really...... All it took was you to get off your high fucking horse and respond to it instead of calling the cops. I don't give two fucks that your at your bf's house you could of still just said no......... And no I didn't get your phone number the way you seem to think I did. YOUcalled me and left a vm. Wanna hear it.....it was you at work. That's the only reason I knew it was your god damn number. But yourself on a higher fucking cloud. I haven't been even bothering you. And yet this is where you go ....... I see you think you would be better off if I'm dead ....well you may still get your wish. I wasted three years with you and up until today I would never call them wasted and never regret them. But the way you have been acting the last few months is insane grow the fuck up and actually tackle your problems like you will have to do in the real world. A response to something would of sufficed instead of running to the cops. Wow your bf tell you to do that...... He got that much of a hold on you???? I'm sorry I cared about you and actually found some things you might of wanted here but I haven't even asked you that yet. To think one day you might actually have a problem........ Your a fucking bitch. And honestly it hurts me to say that it really does...... To think you can't say a word to me except when it benefits you. When all I have tried to do is make something out of this. Like I don't have enough going on it would of been nice to be able to call someone I have spent the last three years of my life with somewhat of a friend ............. Well goodbye I gue SMS....forever. Don't cry to much when you read it in the newspaper .....

im done now

i know im getting a ticket now.  i cracked and i couldnt help it

i asked her to meet me after work and when she didnt i cracked and basically sent her a letter via email just asking her for a chance asking her for anything anything at all  and it was long and poured alot of emotion out and i almost bet money shes going to the cops with it ... so another ticket in the mail.  i cant help it she was my best friend and soo much shit has gone on that i just couldnt handle it anymore  she knows soo much and im so comfortable talking to her and i needed someone to talk to and when i didnt have that i tried to get something to fix that ..... i need to fix the friendship soo bad i feel im about to go off the handle i really am i just dont know what to do anymore im screwed just screwed
i just need to fix this or else im afraid im going to do something bad

Blah

Guess I should write in here even though it does no good. So I guess I might of blew my one chance at getting my best friend back..... I don't see how but apparently asking her to give me the same date to talk as she was giving everyone else was a bad thing. Now I don't know what to do. I seriously have this urge to just run away from everything and never look back. I have been thinking of quitting school just because I know I can't concentrate and it's going to be a bad quarter. I just signed my new lease on an apt butnthat doesn't even give me the slightest relief. So much going on right now and none of it is good. I don't sleep indent eat and when I do sleep all ingot is weird dreams, some of them scary, and the all center around one person. I don't understand why I can want her friendship solo bad when she really appears to want nothing to do with me. I'm hoping she will reconsider her date that she told everyone and try to contact me on the 22nd. But we will see. I just don't know what to do. So many things are going on right now and normally I would talk to her but I can't.... I'm just so sad it's affecting everything. I just don't know what to do. I can't contact her and I want to zoo bad. Now she's gone as far as blocking me on Facebook and I didn't even do anything. I have contacted her once in two weeks and that was just to ask her to give me a date she's been giving others.... I don't know if she was jerking my chain about that or not but I guess I really really hope she can reconsider that and talk to me at that time..... I don't really know what else to say right now but I know I need to talk to her sooner than later

i guess im not sure what to say ..... i heard that she set a date to talk to me but she wont tell me that herself .. i think she still cares for me as a friend but now im not too sure.  i was stopped on the side of the road and she drove right past without blinking an eye... no stopping no sending me a message to make sure i was ok  no thought what so ever ... so now im beginning to wonder ........ she wont check to make sure im ok .... she wont talk to me ..... etc   wtf  thats all i can say when does it end? i am trying my best but i am severly worrried about her ..... i hear shes getting alot of headaches and stuff and i just wanna be there for her

today

well what can i tell you about today.... today has been a real rough day ... i dont know if im gonna make my orignal mark  and i dont kno if its going to even matter ... i might just get in trouble for it anyways,  so why wait right?
im so close to just sending her a message and letting the cards fall as they may ... even my bike ride didnt work today because for some reason i really wanted a rider  and she is the onely one i wanted or could think of to put on the back of my bike
" i would like to talk to you when your ready but i would also like to know when that will be? i am willing to try my best to wait till then but its hard without knowing when then is"

if i had the chance to say something thats what i wanted to say ... i almost sent it to her anyways ... its so hard not to have any contact with her
i just wish i could get a timeframe it would make things so much easier  she doesnt understand how hard the last three weeks have been and its soo much harder now .... all i want is a chance to start anew  a chance to make things right ...

more

well its not like i can do anything i wish i could.  im so depressed that i cant even think straight .  i finally almost got a ticket because i asked a friend who talks to her if i could send one message through her... onetime  and she told that person if i did i would get a ticket ... she wont even entertain one thing from me ....... i still dont know what was THAT bad to warrant all this .. ya i went to her house...ok i have apologized and explain that sooo many times.  ok so she thinks i followed her .. the moment i found out about that i texted her and told her that i wasnt  but i guess even though i have treid till i was blue in the face to explain everything i have or have not done and get her to understand she doesnt listen to what i say ... she cant even acknowledge that im talking to her .... hell if i was broke down on the side of the road she would prolly laugh at me as she drove by ... i mean seriously>>>>>   i keep asking myself what would she think if i was in an accident and hurt ... would she regret not talking to me or would she throw a party ( and no im not going to get in an accident) but the things she has been doing  makes me wonder .... all i want is friendship to have her to talk to.... i cant believe thats soo hard to be.... i just cant stand this..............

new

so the newest devolpment is this  i got a phone call from the cops today and yes i really should head there warning  but i let everything go in my life for soo long i just feel this friendship is worth fighting for .... i will give her her space  which i was always willing to do if she would of just told me but .... but i wont give up i hope some day she will find it in her heart to forgive me and give me a fighting chance......

and i dont know if that person reads it  but the sherriff did tell me you are the only one that can initiate contact ... so i hope you find it in your heart to do that sometime ... i dont wanna lose my friend forever

the ultimate killer

just waiting for her to stop and see me for five minutes  and i though maybe just maybe she would but no she drives right by me talk about just sitting there and crushing me ... all i want is friendship and she wont give me anything ... but to drive by me like that and not stop  thats cruel as can be. if i was stranded on the road i bet you money she wouldnt even stop .... and thats just wow.... i dont know what i did to deserve that but i would love to know what i did to deserve something that mean and cruel and hurtful........if she would just say anything to me i might know  and i might be able to fix this  but in order to fix it it takes both of us..... and i cant believe she would be that cruel to do that thats a crushing noone deserves..... NOOONE    thats just a bunch of bullshit and i dont know how to say it nicely but its being a bitch ( and i dont use that word often)  and no im not calling her one  although shes acting close to it

questions left unanswered:
why she wont be friends or try
why she will talk to my friends and not me to answer my questions
why she is going out of her way to hurt me
why she will say one thing then turn 180 and do the opposite
what have i done to deserve this
if you want time then why not say that and tell me .....
i can add to this forever but the bottom line is she wont talk to me to even answer these

so its been awhile since i posted on here but i tried to get her to meet me somewhere just to talk and she wouldnt  a friend sent her a messsage and she replied to that so i know how mom is ok  and i also dont understand why she wont even say a word to me ... i mean what did i do that was so terrible... she broke up with me for another man  not the other way around ... she was just everything i had and although its getting easier  i still want the friendship....

i just dont know what i did but it really eats me up inside  all i have been asking is for her to say something to me ... anything .... why is that so hard ... i just dont understand ....

i sent her another chance to come see me after work for 5 minutes i hope she does it

wow

my title says it all ... yes i said i would wait but i couldnt no knowing what was going on was tearing my up inside.  so i called this morning, got her vm told her i would call back in 10 minutes, and got her vm again   i know that she knows this number and stuff and doesnt want to answer it but damn she could just of answered the questions for me .  sent her another email just asking her and i doubt she will respond but its the best i can do .... i cannot believe she wont even say a word to me .. it makes me think what would happen if i ran into her somewhere what would happen .... i mean come on all i asked her was how her mom was doing.  PERIOD.  fucking christ excuse me for giving a flying fuck.  i guess now im turned into the pissed off asshole and this is prolly not going to be good>  im just really pissed that she wont say a fucking word to me and it has nothing to do with her>>>>>>>>>>> yes i do still love her and prolly always will   but i would like to have a chance to be friends with her and thats all im looking for atm


wow nothing seriously WTF im beyond aggitated im getting pissed over this ... how bullshit and cruel do you have to be when someone is concerned for you family member that you cant even acknowledge that they are ok ... i didnt ask for anythign else just that WTF  omg right now my thoughts are GROW THE FUCK UP
i really dont know what else to say at this point but man im trying here ... im working on being totally civilized and just friends but she wont have the decency to answer me about something like this

wow she is totally alienating me and i dont know why .... i dont understand why she is so willing to go out of her way to completely ignore me ... if i could i would make sure i show up somewhere where i know she is to make her answer that question for me.  i know i should just give it up entirely but hell i didnt do anything wrong to deserve this and although she is doing it i dont trule believe its what she wants   and if it is then i would love to here her explain it and why to me?

7-27

this morning was a bad monring .. i woke up with tears and a little dsisoreinted... i was having a wierd dream ... i guess you could say it was a bad dream but in a way it wasnt ... i wont go into details of the dream but i woke up and tried to grab on to someone but soon realized that she was not there ... and hasnt been there for a while.  i had to fight myself hard this morning not to message her and im still fighting it ... i just want to be able to talk to her  and i still dont understand why that is so hard for her to understand  and if she does understand that why she would continue doing this to me ....i just dont understand it .... i will be sending her a email on sunday or saturday to see how her mom is and i might ask her in there if shes decided she wants to talk to me yet

my thoughts

7-26
i found out today that her mom has to have surgery again so i sent her a text to see if she was ok ---no reply--- er mom has breast cancer so i am concerned for both her and her mom.  i know we have had a real rocky 3 weeks but i cannot believe how she is actin now, its so unfair  i just dont know what she is thinking or what her reasoning behind all this is she has gone out of her way to hurt me and make my life hell just to push me away  i dont know if by chance she feels she needs to push me out of her life to be happy with him but if that is the case she cant truly be happy with him.

some more thoughts this afternoon.  i accidently texted her my good news about ful time employment  but never got an answer .. it was accidental i just picked alot of ppl to text it to ...i dont want to remove her from my phone in hopes that she will start to contact me but i wish she would it would make me feel at least a little better.  i guess writing this has eased my pains a little bit but i still miss my best friend more than anything ... i just wish she would get over whatever shes on and realize that friendship is important.for the longest time my life was her ... and i know its not now but i would still like her to be a part of it.  one day maybe she will read this and understand  and maybe not .. right now i dont know if she is ever going to talk to me ... on sunday i think i might send her an email asking her again   but i wont do anything about it until then i dont really have alot to say but i do worry for her and care about her ... and im worried about her mom and the surgery... i hope its nothign major and i hope it all goes well

my blog

mattghost2000.blogspot.com
tasha
this blog will be all my thoughts and feelings and things i want to say to her
july 25
i told her for a week i wanted to know if she never wanted to talk to me again or if i could start to get my best friend back ... well never got an answer from her  so i called her this morning and left a message ... still no response  so today starts day 1 of not trying to talk to her
i dont know how this is going to work yet but the last few days of answering questions really gets me down
she was my best friend as well as the person i thought i would spend the rest of my life with. and now she wants nothing ( no contact) with me ... its really hard to imagine... everytime i need to talk shes not around.. good or bad. 

so many things i could say on here about her ( both good and bad)  but it seems like she pushed everyone away for vinnie ... i do wish her the best but at the same time i do wish she truly understands what she has lost .... and although i wish she would come back .. i dont think it will happen.  i want me friend back  but i also want my girlfriend back... but i would settle with a friend...  im so afraid for her she has cut almost all her friends off for him...... and im completely cut off and she has compared me to a stalker ... WTF excuse me for caring .. and if she would answer things sometimes it might not seem so severe but i cant get her to say a word ... not even an answer to a simple questions  it frustrates me soo much and im torn on what to do .... i wanna just go see her and take what punishment i might get  but i know i cant do that ... one of the things that hurt me the most is i sent her flowers trying to apologize and she made a comment that she couldnt even look at them ... wow i guess i thought 2 1/2 years meant alot more than it did but she has treated me like total horseshit for so long now... and besides that i still love her and want to talk to her so bad ... i just know i cant. so instead of texting her because for whatever reason she wont talk to me i will try to keep what i want to say in here ..... maybe one day she will understand how much i truly care for her ... and i know deep down she still cares and loves me  but shes really got a weird way of showing it ....  i just dont know im hoping she will come to her senses and realize that before she totally ruins it ..... i do love her and as bad as it hurts i will try to give her time but damn longer she doesnt talk to me in my opinion the more it hurts anything  soon i will prolly post my thoughts about this whole idea but im not sure if i want to dredge that up  i dont know what all to say in this blog yet  but im sure i will come up with thoughts as the days.... go by....
i put up our pictures from copper falls to facebook and sent tasha a message telling her ..  doubt she cares but ..u know  those pictures where hard because of the ones of us in them .... i still dont eat ... 260 approx calories a day and i really dont sleep alot it seems like all i think about is her ... i am losing weight though  ( 233) and im hoping to start quitting smoking soon.... but i gotta get over this in order to cut down because i have jumped about a half a pack a day from when i was with her.... i just wish she would realize that i care and i want to be friends with her .... i just dont think she realizes this and i honeslty wonder if she really truly cares.  i still believe she pushed me away so she didnt have to have me in her thoughts because she wasnt sure who to be with ... and i guess in a way i helped her with that alot im at school in class right now writing this so that tells you how much i think about her still.....
anytime i feel like texting her i am prolly going to write in here i just wish she would say something to me .. the ignoring me is really killing me ... she talks about not wanting to hurt me but hell shes hurting me more doing this that anything in the world its sad that i dont miss the sex or anything like that i miss the friendship the hanging out the kissing and the cuddling ... i miss her laying next to me at night and it kills me to think of her laying next to and fucking him ok i think thats it for the day i dont wanna sound mean